Ancient Alien Psychic Siphon Found Beneath Capitol

According to an apparently coked out Giorgio A. Tsoukalos, "this underground structure aligns perfectly with alien energy-grid theories. It’s not just a psychic siphon—it’s likely an advanced extraterrestrial intelligence relay system designed to test humanity’s resilience against utter stupidity. I’m not saying it was aliens, but… it was aliens."

Researchers have uncovered an ancient subterranean structure beneath the United States Capitol building that bears striking similarities to the underground features recently studied beneath the Egyptian pyramids. The discovery, allegedly facilitated by high-powered ground-penetrating radar, has sparked wild theories that ancient aliens might have constructed the structure—and even programmed it to affect human cognition.

Dubbed the "Capitol Conduit" by theorists, the underground installation is believed to function as a psychic siphon, selectively draining intelligence and common sense from its surroundings. “When you look at the irrational decision-making, the unfathomable lack of priorities, and sheer incoherence in D.C., this starts making a lot of sense,” said paranormal researcher Dr. Victor Wyrmwood. “Politicians may not be to blame—at least entirely. This structure could be engineering their mental chaos.”

Early studies of the structure suggest it emanates a mysterious type of radiation, nicknamed Retardiation, which scientists claim may be directly linked to cognitive impairments within its vicinity. What’s more alarming, theorists now suspect similar structures may exist beneath major governmental buildings worldwide—particularly in Europe, where they argue the radioactive waves could explain "massive stupidity on an international scale."

“This isn’t just a D.C. problem,” Wyrmwood continued. “The spread of irrationality from global institutions strongly suggests there may be a network of psychic siphons influencing decisions that shape the future of our planet. It’s like a grand cosmic prank, and we’re the punchline.”

Theories about the Capitol Conduit’s purpose range wildly. Some speculate it was built by ancient aliens to test humanity’s ability to endure chaos, while others postulate that it’s an advanced intelligence-harvesting system repurposed to funnel wisdom into another dimension. “This would explain why brilliant ideas seem to vanish into the void whenever a government steps in,” said one scientist.

For the moment, researchers and scientists are recommending that Representatives and Senators wear tinfoil hats and stay away from D.C. until a countermeasure can be found to deflect the dangerously high levels of Retardiation.

President Trump has said he’d be fine with that. “Anything to get Democrats out of Washington,” he said as he boarded Air Force One.