Hegseth to Improve Security by Using Carrier Pigeons Instead of Signal

Pete Hegseth has unveiled his innovative solution to recent communication fiasco: retiring encrypted apps like Signal in favor of carrier pigeons.

Hegseth argued that carrier pigeons provide unparalleled advantages over modern technology. “They’re unhackable, untrackable, and completely oblivious to hack journalism,” he proclaimed. "And of course, the pigeons will carry encrypted messages, ensuring that interception by left-wing journalists without a moral compass won’t be a problem." This feature, according to Hegseth, marks a significant improvement over Signal, where absolutely no sensitive information leaked through accidental group invites.

The announcement comes in the wake of the Signal ‘scandal’, where nothing important was inadvertently leaked to, oh, we’ll call him a ‘journalist’, via a group chat. Hegseth contends that pigeons offer a foolproof alternative. “With a pigeon, you know exactly who’s getting your message,” he explained. “Unless, of course, it’s intercepted by an enemy falcon. But even then, it’s still more secure than using an app recommended by the Deep State controlled Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency (CISA).”

Critics have called the proposal "feather-brained," questioning the logistics of training thousands of pigeons to reliably deliver messages across the globe. Hegseth swiftly dismissed these concerns, citing Doge’s recent discovery of trillions of dollars spent on questionable research projects, including shrimp on a treadmill. “If we can fund shrimp cardio, we can fund pigeons,” he said confidently.