Kathleen Kennedy Announces New Indiana Jones Film

Hollywood, CA —Kathleen Kennedy’s decision to greenlight yet another Indiana Jones film has left the public scratching their heads. Is this really a good idea? With Harrison Ford now 82 years old, the announcement of a new installment has sparked a wave of speculation about the title and plot of the film.

• Indiana Jones and the Last Retirement Home

• Indiana Jones and the Quest for a Comfortable Recliner

• Indiana Jones and the Pharmacy of Doom

• Indiana Jones and the Lost Pair of Reading Glasses

• Indiana Jones and the Curse of the Early Bird Special

• Indiana Jones and the Walker of Destiny

Critics question the financial sense of another sequel, noting that few of Kennedy’s projects have been profitable, with many costing twice as much as they earned at the box office.

When confronted with the fact that everything Kennedy touches turns to wet s**t, the 72-year-old reached out and slapped the bejeezus out of a reporter who is still in a coma.

“At this point, Indy’s greatest nemesis isn’t Nazis or ancient curses—it’s arthritis,” quipped one reviewer. Another added, “The only treasure he’s chasing now is a good Medicare plan.”

After the debacle and much hated film that was the last Indy adventure, some are beginning to question whether or not Kennedy is the person for the job. Those people are generally blithering idiots, since it’s clear Kennedy was never the person for the job and should tossed out like yesterday’s jam.

No one is excited to see Ford don the iconic fedora one last time, and others worry that the franchise has been stretched too thin. “I love Indy, but maybe it’s time to let him rest,” said one longtime fan. “He’s earned it after all those boulder chases.”

Rumors about the plot have only added fuel to the fire. Insiders claim the film will feature Indy navigating the perils of a retirement community, including a high-stakes bingo game and a daring escape from a rogue mobility scooter. The villain? A rival archaeologist determined to steal Indy’s prized collection of Werther’s Originals.

Ford could not be reached for comment.