Leaked Documents Reveal: The Plot by Democrats to Turn the Population into Useless Fat F*cks

In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the snack aisle, newly uncovered documents allegedly link top health agencies, including the HHS and FDA, to a 20-year covert operation aimed at enlarging the population—literally. The plan? To engineer a nation of oversized, snack-loving, estrogenic males and overweight bitchy women through a combination of skyrocketing health food prices, junk food subsidies, and hormone-laden processed goods.

The Kale Cover-Up The documents reveal that kale, once a humble garnish, was deliberately rebranded as a "superfood" to drive up demand—and prices. "We needed to make healthy eating unattainable for the average consumer," one memo allegedly states. "If they can’t afford kale, they’ll turn to chips." Mission accomplished.

The Snack Subsidy Scandal Meanwhile, the FDA is accused of secretly funneling subsidies into the junk food industry. The result? A family-sized bag of chips costs less than a single organic apple. "It’s all about accessibility," the documents claim. "If we make junk food the only affordable option, the population will grow—literally and figuratively."

The Hormone Hustle Perhaps the most shocking revelation is the deliberate inclusion of estrogen-mimicking chemicals in processed foods. From BPA-lined cans to soy-laden snacks, the goal was clear: to create a nation of docile, effeminate, snack-loving citizens. "We’re not just feeding them," one email allegedly reads. "We’re shaping them into the next wave of Democrat voters."

Expert Reactions When confronted with the allegations, RFK Jr. reportedly exclaimed, "It’s a conspiracy, I tell you! They want us fat, slow, compliant, and liberal!"

Dr. Fauci, on the other hand, offered a more measured response: "Just wear a mask when you eat. Problem solved."

The Gym Mirage The documents also detail a strategy to make gyms financially inaccessible. "If they can’t afford healthy food, they definitely can’t afford a gym membership," one report notes. "We’ll keep them trapped in a cycle of sedentary despair."

The Endgame What’s the ultimate goal of this conspiracy? Some speculate it’s to boost the pharmaceutical industry, with millions now reliant on medications to combat the very health issues caused by their diets. Others believe it’s a ploy to create a population too sluggish to protest. Still others believe this has been an effort to produce more Democrats, or at least a population of Republicans who would rather stay home and wolf down a bag of Cheetos with a DoorDash extra large everything-on-it-with-extra cheese than go vote. Whatever the reason, one thing’s clear: the middle class was the target of yet another attack.

Please, please, please, go eat a salad and stay away from carbs and junk food. Or at least eat a steak and leave the French fries alone…