New Categories Slated for Next Year’s Academy Awards

In an effort to drum up interest for Hollywood's glitziest night, the Academy has reportedly announced some innovative new categories for the 2026 Oscars. These awards won't honor traditional cinematic achievements, since that is no longer what the Oscars are about. Here are the highly anticipated new additions:

1. Best Climate Crusader Awarded to the star who delivers a heartfelt speech about saving the planet—preferably while wearing a designer gown flown in from Paris and arriving via private jet. Bonus points for referencing “our children’s future” while clutching a cocktail.

2. Best Token Allyship Moment Recognizes the winner who hastily dedicates their award to a social cause they Googled moments before taking the stage. Extra credit for tearful mispronunciations of the organization's name, because sincerity is overrated.

3. Best Performative Tears Honoring the presenter who manages a river of tears while addressing global issues, only to be caught on camera laughing it up at the after-party with champagne in one hand and a shrimp cocktail in the other.

4. Best Anti-Trump Rant Created exclusively for those who excel in delivering a searing nonsensical political monologue, sprinkled with just the right amount of self-righteousness. Perfect for the stars still suffering from TDS (Trump Derangement Syndrome).

5. Best Ukrainian Support Statement Awarded to the loudest and most passionate speech demanding help for Ukraine—preferably given while safely in Hollywood, offering other people's money and lives to the cause.

6. Best "Look How Inclusive We Are" Montage Celebrating the diversity montage that pats itself on the back for inclusivity but somehow leaves out several underrepresented groups. A for effort, D for actual execution.

7. Best "I’m Just Like You" Speech Reserved for the millionaire actor who claims to understand the struggles of the everyday person—all while casually flashing a watch worth more than most people’s yearly salaries. Truly relatable.

8. Best Virtue Signal for Mentioning Native American Existence Without Actually Doing Anything for Them: A unique category celebrating the art of performative allyship. Bonus points for using phrases like "acknowledging ancestral lands" while contributing nothing beyond words. Truly an inspired kind of Hollywood activism.

With categories like these, the 2026 Oscars are shaping up to be more entertaining than most of the films they’ll be honoring. Hollywood’s love for virtue signaling meets its ultimate award show stage. Who needs ratings when you’ve got moments like these?