Older Married Man Offers Advice to Newly Married Young Man

Elderly Advice for a Long and Happy Marriage

JD Hoss

In the bustling aisles of a local grocery store, an age-old ritual unfolds as an older married man imparts his hard-earned wisdom to a newly married young man. Here’s a list of his sage advice and the reasons why it works:

  1. Buy the Wrong Stuff:

    • Advice: Always buy the wrong stuff. If she asks for peas, bring home a can of beans. If she requests almond milk, grab whole milk instead.

    • Reason: This makes you seem hopelessly clueless about shopping. After a few trips like this, she’ll be convinced you’re not cut out for the task and will insist on doing it herself.

  2. Mix Up Essential Items:

    • Advice: Confuse essential items. Buy paper towels instead of toilet paper or vice versa.

    • Reason: This creates minor inconveniences that make her question your competence. It’s all about creating an illusion of effort while subtly sabotaging your chances of being sent back.

  3. Lose the Shopping List:

    • Advice: Offer to help with the shopping list but conveniently lose it halfway through the store. If she sends it via text, claim your phone mysteriously died right when you received it.

    • Reason: This makes it appear that you’re trying but are just unlucky. She’ll eventually decide it’s less hassle to do the shopping herself.

  4. Buy Things Just a Little Off:

    • Advice: Buy things that are slightly off. Pick green bananas when she wants ripe ones, or get a single potato when she asked for a bag.

    • Reason: This reinforces the idea that you’re well-meaning but completely out of your depth. She’ll prefer handling the shopping to avoid these constant little mistakes.

  5. Just Nod a Lot When She's Talking:

    • Advice: When she’s talking, just nod a lot and make affirmative noises.

    • Reason: This makes it seem like you’re actively listening and engaged, even if you’re zoning out. She’ll appreciate the perceived attention and you’ll avoid potential conflicts.

    • Warning: There will be a quiz at the end so that she knows you were listening. Pay attention to key words like dates, times, names and birthdays. Eventually, you will become a pro and recite the important bits back to her. Practice!

  6. Start Every Argument with 'I'm Sorry':

    • Advice: Start every argument with “I’m sorry,” regardless of whether you think you’re in the wrong.

    • Reason: This helps to diffuse tension and shows that you’re willing to take responsibility. It can often prevent the argument from escalating further.

  7. Create an Illusion of Effort:

    • Advice: Always appear to be putting in effort. Wander through the store looking confused and ask employees for help with simple items.

    • Reason: This makes it seem like you’re genuinely trying, but just not capable of getting it right. It’s the perfect balance of effort and incompetence.

  8. Overcomplicate Simple Tasks:

    • Advice: Overcomplicate the simplest tasks. Spend an inordinate amount of time selecting the "perfect" can of soup or deciding between different brands of toothpaste.

    • Reason: This adds to the perception that grocery shopping is a Herculean task for you, making her think it’s better to handle it herself.

  9. Bring Home Unrequested Items:

    • Advice: Regularly bring home items that weren’t on the list at all. Grab exotic fruits or novelty snacks she never asked for.

    • Reason: This shows a lack of understanding of the actual needs, further cementing your perceived incompetence and making it more likely she’ll take over the shopping duties.

  10. Feign Indecision:

    • Advice: Pretend to be indecisive about minor decisions, like what to have for dinner or which movie to watch.

    • Reason: This makes it seem like you’re open to her preferences and easy-going. She’ll appreciate the gesture and you’ll avoid being blamed if things don’t go as planned.

  11. Turn on Closed Captioning:

    • Advice: Turn on the closed captioning so you can read the sports news as she tells you about how her friend didn't like her Twitter post.

    • Reason: This allows you to stay updated on things you care about while seeming engaged in her conversation. She’ll feel heard and you’ll stay informed.

    • Note: Be sure to position your wife between you and the television. Carefully glance over her shoulder. Be subtle.

  12. Always Leave One Chore Half-Done:

    • Advice: Always leave one chore half-done. If you’re doing the dishes, leave a couple of plates unwashed. If you’re vacuuming, miss a spot or two. And under no circumstances are you to keep the ‘lines’ straight. You’ll understand what I mean.

    • Reason: This creates the impression that you’re trying but just can’t quite get it right. She’ll eventually take over to make sure it’s done properly.

  13. Be Incredibly Specific in Your Excuses:

    • Advice: When making excuses, be incredibly specific. Instead of saying “I forgot,” say “I got caught up organizing the spice rack by alphabetical order.”

    • Reason: The more elaborate the excuse, the more it seems like you genuinely tried. Plus, it adds a touch of humor to the situation.

    • Note: Do not forget to say ‘I’m sorry’ at the beginning of the discussion. This is important.

  14. Claim to Have Special Disabilities:

    • Advice: Claim to have special disability that make you uniquely unqualified for certain tasks. For example, say you have a rare condition that makes you unable to fold laundry correctly.

    • Reason: This adds an element of absurdity and makes it seem like you’re a well-meaning but quirky partner. She’ll find it endearing and amusing.

  15. Screw Up Complicated Projects:

    • Advice: Screw up complicated projects. She'll have her Dad come over and do it so you can watch football. Trust me, he'll want to watch football, too.

    • Reason: This ensures you won’t have to deal with the complicated tasks and you get to enjoy the game. Plus, it gives her dad a reason to bond with you over football.

    • Note: She might get mad at you for watching football, but she won’t say a word to her Dad about it.

  16. Watch TV in the Bathroom:

    • Advice: Watch TV on your phone in the bathroom. Just claim you’re sick and pop out during half-time.

    • Reason: This allows you to catch up on your favorite shows or sports games while avoiding household tasks. She’ll think you’re taking care of yourself, while you’re actually taking a break.

  17. When You Can't Get Out of Chores:

    • Advice: When you can't get out of chores, like raking the leaves or mowing the grass, don't despair. You need time alone. That's your time alone. Use it. Enjoy it. She won't be around if you're working. It's your mini-vacation.

    • Reason: This transforms mundane chores into a chance to recharge and enjoy some solitude. She'll appreciate the work getting done, and you'll get a peaceful break.

Tech Subcategory: Sneaky Ways to Watch TV Uninterrupted

  1. Pretend to Change the Oil:

    • Advice: Pretend to change the oil and just watch TV on your phone while you’re under the car. Leave a few tools out where she can see them, and when she comes out to check on you, bang on the chassis and cuss.

    • Reason: This makes it look like you’re hard at work, while you’re actually enjoying some uninterrupted TV time. The noise and visible tools will convince her you’re genuinely occupied.

  2. Adjust the Home Theater System:

    • Advice: Claim you need to adjust the home theater system for better sound or picture quality. Use this time to watch a movie or two.

    • Reason: This makes it seem like you’re improving the home entertainment setup for both of you. She’ll be impressed by your dedication, and you get to indulge in your favorite movies.

  3. Organize the Garage:

    • Advice: Say you’re organizing the garage and set up a TV or tablet in a hidden corner. Spend the afternoon watching sports or your favorite shows.

    • Reason: The garage is the perfect hideaway for uninterrupted TV time. She’ll think you’re being productive, and you get to enjoy some peace and quiet.

  4. Buy a Table Saw:

    • Advice: Buy a table saw and run it in your garage or basement. Earbuds are your friend. As long as she thinks you're busy, you can enjoy some TV time.

    • Reason: The loud noise from the table saw will convince her you’re working on a project, while your earbuds allow you to watch TV unnoticed.

    • Note: Constantly turn the table saw or other noise making device off and on. If you leave it running, she’ll get suspicious.

  5. Buy Her Flowers:

    • Advice: Buy her flowers. But not too often. Too few, and you don't love her enough. Too many, and you're up to something. Find the happy medium.

    • Reason: This shows you’re thoughtful without raising suspicion. It keeps her happy and avoids any unnecessary drama.

With these tips, the young man is ready to put his newfound knowledge to the test. After all, marriage is a learning experience, and who better to learn from than someone who’s already walked the aisles of life?

us a flag on white and red striped textile

Delivering news that matters to no one.