Snow White Live-Action Release Linked to Fatal Intestinal Cramps

Disney’s much-anticipated live-action Snow White release has taken an unexpected turn—from box office disaster to a potential public health crisis. Reports have surfaced of fatal intestinal cramps linked to the film, with sources confirming that three individuals have tragically died after watching it. Seven others remain hospitalized, battling symptoms ranging from projectile vomiting to catastrophic stomach distress. One attendee reportedly exclaimed, "It felt like my intestines staged a rebellion!" before collapsing.

“Fortunately, there have been few casualties so far due to the fact that no one in their right mind wants to see this film, anyhow,” said one theater owner.

Among the hospitalized is YouTuber Valiant Renegade, @ValliantRenegad, who was rushed to a nearby facility shortly after the screening. While his condition was initially critical, sources report that he is expected to make a full recovery, much to the relief of his fans.

In an especially tragic incident, Bertha Perkins, a mother of three, reportedly passed away during the infamous "Princess Problems" song when her head catastrophically exploded. Eyewitnesses described the moment as "completely surreal" and "shocking," adding another layer of controversy to the already fraught release.

The FDA and CDC have launched a joint investigation into the film’s unforeseen effects, as medical experts struggle to explain the outbreak of “Snow White Syndrome.” Witnesses described mid-screening pandemonium, with audience members fleeing theaters clutching their stomachs, and one unfortunate moviegoer allegedly losing consciousness while choking on their popcorn in reaction to the films terrible production value.

Disney faces mounting pressure from HHS officials, who are demanding answers as to why the film continues to be screened despite its clear, unrelenting threat to public safety. The White House has remained silent on the crisis, but insiders hint at internal discussions to classify Snow White as a potential weapon of mass destruction.

Disney representatives have declined to comment, though sources close to the company claim executive meetings are now stocked with "enough antacids to service an entire nation." Concerned citizens have been advised to approach theaters with caution and, if necessary, a personal supply of Alka-Seltzer, Pepto-Bismol, ginger ale, and crackers.