Supernatural Experts Hired by DOGE

The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has uncovered anomalies so staggering that even their state-of-the-art artificial intelligence systems cannot fully explain them. Now, DOGE Director Elon Musk and his team suspect such complicated fraud that witchcraft and supernatural sabotage may be at play, leading them to enlist a roster of paranormal investigators to untangle the mystery of the government’s strangest expenditures.

Musk, speaking at a press briefing, explained the rationale behind this unconventional approach. “When the most advanced AI systems on Earth can’t trace the money trails, we must consider that the forces hiding them may not be bound by Earthly logic. The scale and sophistication of these cover-ups suggest supernatural intervention. Witchcraft, sorcery—nothing is off the table.” Musk emphasized that the initiative wasn’t born out of desperation, but rather a commitment to investigate all possibilities in the quest for transparency.

DOGE’s suspicions arise from recent findings of baffling schemes, but what truly alarmed investigators was the sheer depth of obfuscation surrounding these programs, with missing records, unexplained budget shifts, and apparent tampering that AI algorithms flagged as “unearthly.”

The Supernatural Taskforce

To combat what they believe may be supernatural interference, DOGE has assembled a team of renowned paranormal specialists to take on the challenge. Among them are the Ghostbusters, led by Dr. Peter Venkman, who will investigate suspected interdimensional shifting of financial funds with potential cult involvement. “We’ve seen some weird stuff,” Venkman said. “But cults using portals to shuffle money? That’s a new one—even for us.”

Fox Mulder of the X-Files has taken over the investigation into UFO-related spending, which he believes is tied to extraterrestrial influence on government budgets. “It’s aliens,” Mulder declared confidently. “The patterns are undeniable. The truth is out there—and it’s expensive.”

John Constantine, the British occult detective, has been hired to probe psychic teleportation research. “This reeks of magical meddling,” Constantine muttered as he lit a cigarette. “Someone’s been using spells to shuffle the books, and I intend to find them.”

Hellboy and the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense (B.P.R.D.) are investigating government funds tied to interdimensional projects. “Teleportation, alternate dimensions—sounds like trouble,” Hellboy stated. “But we’ll get answers, one way or another.”

Buffy Summers and her team have been tasked with reviewing Social Security payments and grant recipients whose claims defy logic. “If someone’s over 150 years old and still cashing checks, they’re either vampires or undead,” Buffy said. “Either way, that’s our jurisdiction.” Meanwhile, Rupert Giles, Buffy’s Watcher, is rumored to be collaborating with Willow Rosenberg on a magical investigation to uncover missing grant money suspected of being siphoned off by demons. “Magic leaves traces,” Giles explained. “We just need to follow the arcane breadcrumbs.”

Meanwhile, Ash Williams has taken on the ominous “Necronomicon Reserve” account, which insiders believe may be linked to supernatural schemes. “You need someone who knows evil books and government screw-ups? I’m your guy,” Ash said, revving his chainsaw.

Sam and Dean Winchester have been tasked with unraveling government-funded occult experiments and suspicious contracts with organizations that seem to have ties to demonic entities. “It’s not just incompetence,” Dean Winchester stated. “The NGO’s have been dabbling in black magic, and now taxpayers are footing the bill for summoning rituals. We’re putting a stop to it.”

Sam Winchester, the more research-oriented of the two, uncovered records of grants awarded to organizations such as "The Midnight Coven LLC" and "Hellfire Holdings," which appear to be involved in summoning rituals aimed at extracting wealth to the underworld—or possibly transferring taxpayer money into dark dimensions. "The paperwork is written in Enochian. That’s not normal for government contracts," Sam said, shaking his head.

Harry Dresden, Chicago’s wizard-for-hire, has joined the investigation to uncover magical manipulations within financial records. “When numbers vanish like they’ve been enchanted, you call a wizard,” Dresden said.

Political Fallout

The initiative has drawn sharp criticism from Democrats, with Sen. Bernie Sanders leading the charge. “This is fiscal irresponsibility investigating fiscal irresponsibility,” Sanders said. “DOGE is wasting taxpayer dollars on ghost hunters and demon slayers instead of addressing real issues.” However, Sanders himself has come under fire, with allegations that he is working with the Legion of Doom. Sources close to the investigation claim that Sanders’ ties to the villainous organization are being probed by multiple agencies, though the senator has denied any wrongdoing.

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has also come under scrutiny, with accusations that she hired known Slytherin dark wizards to cover up her suspected involvement in supernatural money laundering. “These accusations are baseless,” Ocasio-Cortez said in a statement, though critics argue that her ties to the wizarding world warrant further investigation.

DOGE remains undeterred, with Musk stating, “We’re uncovering forces beyond what modern science can explain. If witchcraft or sorcery are involved, we won’t stop until we find the truth. This is transparency at its most ambitious.”