Suspected Zombie Activity in Government Now Confirmed

Washington, D.C. — Newly uncovered documents suggest that political strategist James Carville has been dead for 35 years. Even more astonishing, the documents indicate that he, along with several other government officials, may have been kept "alive" through the use of voodoo practices.

The Shocking Discovery

The documents, which were recently declassified, reveal a bizarre and macabre conspiracy involving the funneling of government funds to voodoo-practicing groups. These groups are suspected of using their dark arts to reanimate deceased senators, representatives, and various other officials, allowing them to continue serving in their roles long after their natural expiration dates.

DOGE Investigation

Officials from the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) have been investigating the matter and are reportedly stunned by the findings. "This is unprecedented," said one DOGE official, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "We knew there were some strange things going on in government, but this takes it to a whole new level."

Public Reaction

The public reaction has been a mix of disbelief and dark humor. "I always thought some of those politicians seemed a bit lifeless," joked one resident. "Turns out, I was right!"

James Carville's Case

James Carville, the well-known political strategist, is at the center of this bizarre scandal. According to the documents, Carville has been dead for 35 years, yet he has continued to appear on television and offer political commentary. When reached for comment, Carville's spokesperson cryptically replied, "James has always had a certain...undying dedication to his work."

Nancy Pelosi and Mitch McConnell

Adding to the intrigue, the documents also suggest that former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senator Mitch McConnell are among the suspected undead. Both have been seen tirelessly working in their roles, raising questions about their seemingly boundless energy and longevity.

The Voodoo Connection

The documents suggest that the funds were funneled through various government agencies, including USAID, the EPA, and even the Department of Defense. These groups are believed to have used their rituals to reanimate the deceased officials, allowing them to continue their duties as if nothing had happened. The rationale behind this macabre scheme appears to be a desire to maintain continuity and avoid the hassle of elections and appointments, and a possible conspiracy to keep seats in both the House and Senate, thereby keeping one party in power, a strategy that appears to have worked for decades.

An Official's Perspective

An unnamed government official, who spoke under condition of anonymity, stated, "Although this is the land of the free and we respect the freedom of religion, this is taking it a little bit too far. Voodoo is a religion, but it certainly adds strength to the separation of church and state argument!"

When asked how government officials were going to deal with this information, the consensus seemed to be to cut the funding and thereby stop the unnatural practices, but to allow the affected representatives, senators, and other government bureaucrats and workers to live out their unnatural lives.

One DOGE official stated that “…without funding, the voodoo practitioners have no reason to continue keeping them ‘alive’, and so the problem should take care of itself in a few months.”

What's Next?

As the investigation continues, the full extent of this bizarre conspiracy remains to be seen. One thing is certain: the revelation has come as no surprise to the average voter, and the public will be watching closely to see how this undead scandal unfolds.