Trump Orders Investigations Into Saruman’s Industrial Empire

President Trump has unleashed a full-scale investigation into Saruman’s questionable practices in Isengard, mobilizing a coalition of federal agencies to tackle the wizard’s alleged violations. The list of charges is as fantastical as it is damning:

1. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA):
   The EPA is leading the charge against Saruman’s rampant deforestation and industrial pollution. With entire swaths of Isengard decimated and no permits or environmental impact studies filed, officials are calling his methods “a blatant disregard for the Clean Air Act.”

2. Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA):
   OSHA has set its sights on the dangerous working conditions within Saruman’s forges. With reports of orcs and Uruk-hai forced into grueling shifts amid toxic fumes and hazardous machinery, inspectors liken the environment to a medieval industrial accident waiting to happen.

3. Department of Labor:
   The Department of Labor is probing Saruman’s use of forced labor. By deliberately breeding an army of beings designed solely for war, Saruman has not only violated labor laws but has also sparked outrage over what many deem modern-day slavery.

4. Environmental Impact Oversight:
   Federal regulators are fuming over Saruman’s blatant failure to conduct any environmental impact studies before launching his grand industrial projects. The unchecked destruction of Isengard’s natural habitat has not gone unnoticed.

5. U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service:
   With the extensive deforestation and habitat destruction leading to potential species extinctions in the neighboring woodlands, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has opened an investigation into Saruman’s ecological crimes.

6. Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI):
   Adding to his mounting troubles, the FBI is now investigating Saruman. Agents suspect that he is behind financing protests staged by what they describe as "mindless orcs" and orchestrating the burning of wagons and wagon dealerships. According to one agent, “If a wizard is inciting arson against commerce, he’s not just breaking environmental laws—he’s starting a riot.”

When reached for comment, Saruman reportedly muttered something about “the age of men being over” before vanishing in a cloud of smoke. As federal agencies converge on Isengard, it’s becoming increasingly clear that in this new era, even wizards are subject to the full force of the law.